onlythunder

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted. I guess I forgot about this journal since I only used it when I felt completely and utterly desperate and unable to tell anyone else in my life what I was feeling. Maybe it's a good thing that I haven't posted in so long? My last entry was in August '07.. when I was still figuring out how to survive working without Yoda. I didn't have to suffer that much longer, that November I got hired at the same company he was working for. I've been at this company for the past year.

Things were great in the beginning, it was like a whole new world. Nobody made snide comments about my weight, there were RULES for a change, everyone was pretty well behaved in the office and I felt like I was making friends with everyone. That lasted abooout.. 8 months or so. When I first started at the company I was handling an account that brought in latex goods and condoms. I was doing that account by myself. THEN I got moved to the cosmetics team which I thought would be a great idea. I missed working on a team. God, how wrong I was. Funny how hindsight is 20/20, right?

This team is made up of all women. Women are extremely catty and I usually don't get along so well with most of them. I became friends with these women though, went out for drinks with them, etc. I'm not exactly sure how it all started.. probably my fault like usual. Everyone started to let their claws show since everyone wanted to be the chief. They brought another woman into the team who is basically just a loud, obnoxious skank who sits to the side of me that I have to listen to on the phone ALL DAY LONG. Oh yeah, and talking dirty to her boyfriend. I immediately didn't like her (since she was loud and obnoxious immediately) and just never really spoke to her. Then another woman in the team did something to really piss me off (blamed me for something that was her idea) so I started ignoring her too.

So that meant out of all three other women on the team I only spoke to one. That ended in November when the final one started being a gigatic bitch. I took it for a while, and then I exploded.. so we no longer talk no either. The problem with the explosion is that Yoda was there to witness it and he wasn't able to say a thing because if he opened his mouth it was going to be bad enough to get himself fired. His anger at not being able to do anything ended up being aimed at me. It hurt my feelings for a while, but since I could understand it.. I let it go eventually and it stopped.

I just found out last week that I'm being moved back to my old desk (I requested to be taken off of the team) and I'm going to help handle a tool account, and several others. As long as it gets me off of this team and away from this desk I'm cool.

The problem is I think I've made Yoda miserable. He doesn't speak to any of the women I don't speak to (actually, he started that) and he's had to listen to me whine and complain for far too long and I think it's just left him pent up and perhaps somewhat resentful of my presense hear. Part of me feels guilty, and part of me knows that regardless of whether or not I was here he would have gotten himself into this sort of a rut anyway since that's just how he is. I might have magnified it a bit but it would have happened. It happened at the last place before I even started there.

Yesterday both of us were just having a bad day, they were having some sort of a potluck type brunch and neither of us are the join in type so I feel awkward and he just gets angry at.. everyone and we're both left on the outside. So we went out to lunch yesterday and I mentioned that someone he had said to one of our coworkers we're both close with had hurt her feelings. So he came out with "Well, that's not all I said. I also said that if I leave here next time I'll be flying solo. I will not be bringing anyone with me." meaning.. me. I'm the only one he brought with him.

Funny, because he knows I have this extreme fear of abandonment since I've managed to push away pretty much anyone I've ever cared about. For some reason he's managed to stick around for 4 years now. I've just assumed it's because we're so much alike. I also assumed that no matter what happened we'd stick together. Whenever he got pissed and would threaten to leave he'd say "WE", not "ME".

I'm pretty sure he only said that because he knew it would hurt. I think it bothered him that I said he hurt our coworkers feelings, and he struck back at me. On the car ride back I said to him "You know, that was really fucked up.. the flying solo thing. I'm not going to let this go." and he sighed, seemed to think about it and second and said "You know I'm stuck. You know I can't leave." and I said "Yes, I know. With the way things are now the only place we're safe is a big company like what we're in." and he agreed.

It doesn't matter though. It still hurts. It feels like the one person I thought cared enough to never leave just doesn't give a shit. And why do I always do this? Why do I always end up alone? I know most of this is my own fault but I don't know how to change. I've never put my faith in someone like this before and I feel completely crushed. Last night I went home and cut myself for the first time since like February or so. And this is the first time I've cut this bad in a long time. I feel like garbage. I'm so easily tossed away. I'm sitting at my desk right now, he's in a grumpy mood and is keeping to himself this morning instead of joking around like usual. I can't tell what's bugging him right now, though.. so I can't really do anything about it. I tried telling myself last night that I'll change, I'll find a way to make everyone around me less miserable. I just don't know how. I don't know if I can fix the things I've already broken.

In the daylight the cuts seem so silly, I can't wear long sleeves in the office because it's usually like 90 degrees in here but if anyone asks anything I can just say it was my cat since I have had lots of scratches from him before. But Yoda will know the difference, so I've got to figure out a way to somehow hide it. I won't be able to talk with my hands, or hand with anything with that hand (it's on my wrist) but since he's not really talking right now maybe that won't be a problem. It was hard enough hiding it from my mom this morning.

The sad part is I'll probably start crying myself to sleep like I did last night, and add more. I don't know how else to deal with what's going on in my head. I just don't know anymore. Maybe it would be easier for everyone if I just disappeared.

Last night that's exactly what I did. I had a dream that Yoda came back to work. It bothers me because when I wake up it's not real. I'm becoming more and more emotional lately. The longer he's gone, the worse I become. Last week I spoke with him only through texts, and really only had one conversation on Friday. So all week I felt like I was all on my own.

I hated that feeling. I felt like a little fish alone in a big sea. When he was at work I always felt like I had someone on my side. And even though he hasn't been there for 3 months I still spoke to him all the time so it felt like he was still around. Now it's only been a week since I spoke to him on the phone and I feel alone. How does it happen so quickly?

It's not that I can't handle the way I feel, I just simply push it around the rug. Or I let out a few tears and go back to thinking about something else. But really, there isn't much else to think about. I do not have a life. I pretend to have one, but it's pretty much just an empty shell. When I get home I go back to being the loser that I am.

I always looked forward to Monday's. And now I dread them. I don't want to fall asleep because as soon as I know it I'll be awake and I'll have to do the same rough day all over again.

Everything is NOT okay. But I can't remember the last time it was. I'm always on the brink of something.

Well, here I am again. Back for more wallowing in my journal because I don't really have anyone to say these things to in person. You know what, strike that.. I can. But it's too depressing for most people and really not an attractive quality. Who wants to be friends with someone in a constant Debbie Downer state?

It's been 40 weeks since I last updated. Livejournal told me that. A lot has happened in this time. But yet, reading my earlier entries I don't feel like I have changed much.

I did go back to my old job, about a month after my last entry. But it never went back to normal. I should have known that things never stay the same. I don't know why I expected that if I back that it would be exactly the same way as when I left. There were new people, new cliques and I wasn't a part of it. And I became rejected by them, not because of anything that I did but just because I was rehired because the person who took my job sucked and they were all friends with him. The only real person that accepted me was Yoda.

Things were pretty good for a little while. Yoda never wasn't there, so it's not that he was there more. It's just that he showed it more. He knew what they were doing and he stood up for me the best he could. I appreciated that so much. But then, Yoda got fired. And for the most FUCKED UP reason. And that's when I felt like my world crumbled all over again. It seems as though everytime I had gotten settled into something and accepted that things were going to be a certain way.. that everything changed again.

I was, and now am all alone at work. There is no one there to defend me if something happens, and there's no one there to vent to if I get frustrated or upset about all the stupid things that keep happening. Now the place that was once my haven, my comfort zone.. has now become my own personal little hell. Funny how that happens. But yet, as uncomfortable and unhappy as I am there I am too afraid to venture out into the real world again. My job doesn't take place in the real world. It's some sort of strange alternate universe, things that happen at this place don't happen everywhere else. But I've become so acustomed to it that anything else feels strange and foreign.

Even if I managed to go out on my own, I would still have the same anxieties that I had last time. I don't like change, and I don't like feeling uncomfortable. I don't like having to prove myself to other people all over again. I guess that's life for you. Once you prove yourself the first time, you still have to do it over and over again. I guess life is just this constant competition. Sometimes I feel up for the challenge, and other times I just feel too tired. I haven't even lived half of my life yet (hopefully) and I'm.. tired. Does it ever let up? Or will I just be tired until the day that I die?

For most of my life I have felt like I have been on the outside looking in. And here I am again, almost 22 years old and feel like a little kid with my face smushed up against the glass that keeps me from everyone.

Ever since I've started to become my own person, you know that point in your childhood where you realize you're not just an extension of your parents, but you have your own mind, thoughts, and views.. Ever since that point I've felt like I've been missing something. Like there's some vital piece of DNA, or of my mind that's just not there. I have never once since then felt like a full and complete human being.

Basically from birth I have been rejected by people. First, drugs were more important to my father than me. Then I was too young and annoying for my cousins next door to play with. Then when I started kindergarden, I was teased by the other kids. There has only been one point in my life where I felt like I had a safe heaven, and that was my old job. Of course most of the people thought I was out of my damn mind, but they didn't say it to my face. I didn't feel treated like a second class citizen, only work wise when I started in traffic. The funny part is, that's not really why I want to go back. But we'll move onto that subject later.

Maybe I am missing something. Something that can't be articulated. I've started to think that maybe I should be put on antidepressants. Only because this has been such an ongoing struggle, that I just can't take it anymore. I'm too tired to keep fighting the big monster, to keep shoving it under a rug and ignoring it until it flares up again. I've always thought of it as the easy way out, I personally didn't want to take any medication to alter my mood because even if they're odd, they were my own. But these moods have basically just helped me push away anyone that cared about me.

My therapist said I have borderline personality disorder. One of the classic symptoms is feeling empty. That's why people with the disorder often become permiscuous, or they cut, or do drugs, etc.. Just to fill the void. I follow almost all the symptoms. The bad part is most go untreated because they have a tendency to drift in an out of therapy. I'll see what I'll do, I'm not decided at the moment.

No wonder people get sick of me. All I do is complain. I rationlize to myself that atleast I'm still perky when I complain but it doesn't fucking matter. I'm unintentionally pushing everyone away with how god damn annoying I am. I don't MEAN to be this way. It just sort of happens. I try and control myself, but.. sometimes it just sort of.. happens anyway.

I was really depressed today. I've managed to finally annoy the crap out of everyone so I don't have anyone to talk to. So a few minutes ago I cut myself for the first time in a few months. At first I thouht maybe I kind of did it for attention. But the second time I started, didn't get attention and still kept going until my whole forearm was covered. The only reason why I stopped was because Spring was coming and I couldn't get away with long sleeves forever.

There is no one that is paying enough attention to me to notice this. It's going to start getting cold, I can cover it up easily. And so it begins again. I managed to get myself to bleed pretty much for just using the bobby pin, it was so exciting seeing the blood. It's just a small barely noticable cut, but it felt so damn good. There's a sense of relief. But there's also the urge to do it to my entire arm. I have to pace myself though. If not it'll get out of hand.

It's funny, because all this time of growing up all I've wanted is someone to understand me. To accept me as I am, to not try and change me. Maybe I really do need to be changed. But I heard on the radio a few weeks back a sociologist that claimed that the big myth is that people change. That people don't change all that much within their lifetime.

So what, am I condemned to this? My question is why am I living? Do I want to die, no. Of course not. But WHY am I alive when I do nothing but work and pay bills. I have no happiness in my life. Nothing that is my own that can make me a little happier. No boyfriend, just a set of acquantances and Yoda who I've sort of pushed to the limit of accepting my annoyances.

I hate my job. My job was my life. So if you think about it, I hate my life. I'm trying to hold it all together for the sake of everyone else. If I didn't work, I couldn't support me and my mom.

Not even my family likes me. You know, nobody called me for my birthday? It reminds me of when my mom was throwing a graduation party for me, invited the entire family (18+ people) and only three people came. The house is all decorated, I'm excited.. And my older cousin, sitting at a table with a congratulations graduate tablecloth asks "What are we here for again?"

I have been rejected over and over my entire life. At this point I wish I could just reject myself.

I had to put my guinea pig, Piggy to sleep on Saturday. He was five years old. It kind of feels like the last straw for me. I'm tired of losing people. I'm tired of everything changing. I've been crying every day since he's been gone, he was my little baby. And I feel like it's my fault.

Everything has been changing, and after I'm 'ok' about one thing, something else happens and throws me for a loop. God damnit, I just want things to settle down and go back to normal.

I feel so inadequate as a person. Like I can't do anything right. I try and I try, and yet it's never good enough.

At least I can say it's been at least a month since I posted an entry. So we can say it's been a month since I felt like I was falling apart. I guess. Every day is pretty much a struggle to keep it together. Some days pass more easily than others. Monday's are just the hardest days of the week for me. I'm working, I have a great job, but every Monday I park the car and I don't want to go upstairs. I want to go to my old office. Ironically enough, if they ever begged me to come back, no how much money they waved in front of me.. I couldn't. I just couldn't do it to myself.

Right now.. What hurts is that I really miss Yoda. Like incredibly, overwhelmingly.. missing him. I don't know why either. I guess it's because reality is finally starting to sink in that I'm never going to have that again. I'm never going to walk over to his desk in the morning, and be able to tell him whats bothering me. Or crack a joke, nothing.. It's over. I email the poor guy all the time, and lately he had been answering, I guess because I'm not there to annoy him throughout the day, but the past few days he hasn't answered. And this morning, I really thought he'd answer. And he didn't. And now I'm wondering if he's starting to push away from me because there's nothing left to teach me.

I have a peace sign necklace that I got that reminds me of him, I'm wearing it today. I haven't worn it in a while. I wore it the day I needed to borrow the garage clicker from him, but not since then. I got to see him that day, he walked out of the building when I was outside so I thought maybe if I wore it again.. I would be able to see him. Sounds strange, I know. But I haven't. I want to call him, but I don't know what to say. It's different now. It's been almost two months since I've been gone, you'd think this would go away. I'm too attached, I know I am. But it's not like I do anything about it other than email. I shouldn't email as much as I do, I know that it's annoying but once I get something in my mind I want to say it just nags at me until I write one.

That's the only part I really want back. I want my mentor back. I want that time in the morning. I fucking hate this.

I figured out why the hell I've been so depressed lately. I LOST MY ANGER. The anger is what gave me the drive to fight, to stand up for myself and to not take anyones fucking crap. Guess what I've been doing for the past hour? Listening to really angry music. I'm getting myself all riled up. You know why? I heard a sad song on the radio in the nail salon that reminded me of Yoda and I almost started crying. It was like a goodbye song. And I realized that if I almost started to cry in the nail salon that I was not yet safe from not being near tears on Monday my first day at my new-new job.

So, I decided to get myself angry. I hardly cry when I'm angry. I will sometimes, but that's usually when I'm in my cutting myself phase. I don't plan on cutting. I just plan on kicking some god damn ass.

I remembered who I was angry at. God. And you know what reminded me? I was laying in bed with my iPod on blasting my angry music when I noticed that something on the cable box had changed. Instead of saying the time is said 'Load" except the A looked a LOT more like an R. So it looked like it said 'LORD' and then it turned off and restarted. Well, I pondered this freaked out for a little while and thought maybe my grandmother was trying to tell me to reach out to god, and he would help.

Then I thought better. I've always been angry at God. And I'm very sorry god but I do a lot better when I'm angry at you.

I've past the point of wanting to be sane. I will never be stable. This is me. But I sure as hell am not going to go back down that road of depression, and not having any fight left in me. I will go down kicking and fucking screaming before any of those asshoels win.

I WON'T GO BACK TO THAT SHITHOLE. I WILL SUCCEED. I WILL 'DO IT'.

I can't tell if it's from being stuffed from dinner, or I'm scared to death of working at a new job. But my heart just started randomly pounding when I started thinking of a new job so I guess that's pretty much the reason.

I'm terrified that I'll go some place else and I'll hate it. I'm scared I'll never be happy at another company. I don't know how to fix that. And I don't know how to not be scared anymore. The longer that goes by, the more scared I become. I feel an anxiety attack coming on, I'm trying really really hard not to give in to it. I feel like I'm going to puke.

I had the strangest interview today, but even as I was sitting there thinking "Oh I really don't want this job." another part of me was thinking "Please please hire me." just because I NEED to work.

Oh god I can't breathe. What the fuck is wrong with me? This isn't normal. I'm never normal. I can't handle these feelings. Why can't I just let go?

You know, I thought I had problems before. I thought I was in so much pain before.. and all the cutting that resulted from that pain, it sort of makes me laugh.

Because in truth, it doesn't compare to what I'm feeling now. The only reason why I'm not cutting myself right now is because it's depression, not anger. And I've reached the point of resignation. Of where I'm trying to hard to be numb but every once in a while a pang of pain right in my heart comes out of nowhere. This was like the feeling when my grandmother died. And I guess because it feels as though I've lost not only others but myself.

My job was my solace. It was what I delved into when I was in pain. Even when I was just the receptionist, there was always something to do. Always something to occupy my mind instead of thinking about how fucked up I was, or my life. The real reason it became my solace though was because I started there only a few months after my grandmother died. I was able to get out of the house for 8+ hours at a time and not have to deal with my mothers crying. I could FORGET for a little while.

And for over a year and a half, that's what I did when I was there. I was mainly happy, except for my bouts of cutting and stupid shit I did to myself. But I looked foward to every single day. The weekends were always too long because I couldn't wait to get back to work.

Now it's gone. Now I have nothing, nowhere to hide. So I'm trapped in even smaller confines, myself. So I hated the new job, and that's fine. I'm entitled that one mistake. But I'm so scared of it happening again. I'm scared that no matter where I go I'm not going to be happy. I'm scared that I'm going to go on this stream of changing jobs trying to find the solace that I found at my old job. I'm scared I'm going to keep running, like I usually always do. The only place I didn't run from was my old job.

It's just not fair. It's NOT FAIR. I never intended on leaving. I thought I was going to be there for yeaaars. But I ask for a raise and you tell me no? After I worked my ass off for you. After the compliments you got on the job I did for you. The only reason why I left was because of the money. MONEY.

Money is the root of all evil. Money is my downfall at the moment. None of this would have happened if it wasn't about money.

I'm just so scared, and depressed. I feel like I'm not WORTH anything, anymore. I've thought of killing myself a few times. All I've been doing is sitting on my computer all day, or sleeping. I send up my resume all throughout the day but that's just using the computer. I have two interviews scheduled next week but I'm scared that I won't be happy.

The dream I had last night started this all. I dreamt that I was at a new job and I wasn't miserable. I wasn't like super estactic but I was able to work through the day without wanting to run for the hills, so I was happy. And then I ran to Stiles to drop off something to a friend and they saw me while I was there and asked me if I could just work for a day because they were REALLY backed up and I knew the accounts. I had a vacation day at the new job somehow so I stayed and worked. And I remembered what it was like to be really happy. It was like feeling everything in black and white, and then all of a sudden feeling in color. It's hard to explain. And then I didn't want to go back to the other job I had. I wanted to stay. So I said to them that I still had to go back to my new job, but if they needed help that badly that I could come after work and then help out for a few hours. As a second job, kind of thing.

And I woke up extremely depressed. It was just so vivid. You have no idea how much I would love for my boss to call me up and ask me to come back (for enough money). But it won't happen.

All my life I always felt like that person on the outside looking in. I never felt a part of anything. Until my job. And now that I'm definitely on the outside, and not on the inside of anything the feeling is back. I talk to the coworkers I was friends with and it hurts to know that they're still there and I'm no where. I don't want to not talk to them, because that would hurt more. But just feeling like an outcast.. is so familiar and unwanted.

I just feel like such a loser. And the most depressing part is that I remember that feeling. I remember closing myself off in the house and not leaving for WEEKS, months even. This week I didn't leave the house for almost 5 days. And I went out today and the sun hurt my eyes because I hadn't been out in it. I remember that feeling too.

This is the hell I thought I removed myself from. I guess depression is the unwelcomed friend that will always be a part of me. I don't think I know how to be truly happy. And I think it's sort of tiresome to hear this sort of shit and over again.. Which is why instead of telling anyone I'm going to write it in here. My only confidant is an online journal. Funny how things end up.

Not only was doing that a bad idea. It was a VERY VERY bad idea. I could barely sleep last night, and I'm sick to my stomach right now. I feel so weak, like I'm going to pass out. I seriously will never do that again. It's sad that I hate myself so much I'll do these things. I'm so scared of myself.

A really bad idea. I took three diet pills, and two caffeine pills. I was hyped up like the energizer bunny today. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. My hands were shaking, my voice was shaking. I got a lot of work done! But then after it wore off I crashed. I'm dead tired right now. And it really screwed with my stomach. I really don't know why I do these things to myself. At the time it seems like a good idea, and after I do it I realize that I'm being an ass. It's like I have to torture myself. I have to abuse myself in any way I know how. I didn't feel the need to cut today because I hurt myself in another way. Plus when I was high as a kite I didn't have to feel anything. I'll probably end up doing it again after I forget how badly it hurt my stomach.

I'm one big mess. I'm like a Monet. From far away it looks okay, it looks normal. And the closer you get the harder it is to distinguish, to understand. Just a mess of dots thrown together. There is no big picture when you stand too close. That must be why people run away from me in droves. When they finally see the mess they don't want to deal with it. I'm tired of being the person everyone runs away from.

I'm tired of running away from myself too. I can only run so far, and it's never far enough to leave myself behind.

Next weekend it'll be two years that my grandmother is gone. In one way, it feels like just yesterday. I can still see, feel, smell everything like it was yesterday. And in another way it feels like forever since I've been able to see hear, talk to her, hold her hand, lay in bed next to her. Everytime the house phone (that we don't pick up) rings, I convince myself that it's her calling. That she was just on a long vacation, and I almost get up to pick up the phone. But then I know I'll just be disappointed when it's not her on the other end. And maybe then I'll break down. Maybe then I'll mourn. But I don't, I just keep on living life as if it never happened. It's funny because when I think back about things that happened, like getting a job at where I work I feel like I've told her about it. And I know I haven't. I guess I just still talk to her in my head.

Oh, and as for my entry on Friday.. You know, it's a little ironic. On Monday I had thought to myself, it's been too long of Yoda being nice. I thought it was strange. I knew that his mood swing was coming soon. I could just feel it. And wouldn't you know, by Friday there it was. And I'll let it go and keep on talking to him because I understand why he does it. It doesn't bother me any less, but I understand it. You would think after like.. over a year and a half he'd stop. Naah. I've been wearing short sleeves since then though, and not even my mom noticed I cut. I'm glad, I HATE when she notices because she just basically makes me feel like shit. I'm thinking of wearing short sleeves tomorrow just to see if I can push it even further. I'm wondering if I even cut and it was fresh.. Would anyone notice? I doubt it!

The only thing I worry about is that on Friday I contemplated taking a whole bunch of pills. I had all my stomach medication bottles lined up on my desk and I was so tempted, so close to just down a handfull. I didn't want to die, I just wanted to pass out. I wanted everything to go away for a while. Sometimes I just can't take all that FEELING in one moment and I just want it to stop. I want blackness. Not forever. Just for a few hours, a few days maybe. Just until I can handle it again.

I found a new way to fuck with myself though. I bought these caffeine pills because going to school and working is killing me. And I have a whole bunch of diet pills up in a cabinet that I never finished. I'm just going to abuse those. Yes, I do know I'm crazy. But I saw pictures of like 3 years ago and I was a lot thinner and at the time I still thought I was hideous, but I'd do anything to be that small again.

God damn I hate myself.

I actually kind of think it's funny. I'm close to laughing. Well, not outloud but I'm laughing inside my head. So, I went back to college. It seemed like a good idea. It actually IS a good idea it's just executing it seems to be the problem. The more of the class I take, the more I realize I don't want to know this stuff. The more I realize I don't want to work full time and go to school at the same time. I'm fucking tired. I work 10 hours a day, I almost never take lunch anymore, and then it takes me an hour to get to the city, 3 hours of class, and another 45 minutes to get home. That's a 15 hour day.

But the one thing is that it seems like for the first time my mom is actually proud of me. Other people, are actually proud of me. Maybe I am WORTH something because I'm going to college. So I called up Yoda this morning and asked if he would think it was bad if I completed this class and just instead of going back got my brokers liscense.

His reaction pushed me over the edge. I get that he probably doesn't understand what I meant, that I wanted to know if he thought people wouldn't be proud of me anymore. But that means that nobody really understands me or the way my mind works after all. So I cried, a lot.. in the bathroom. I won't let people see me cry anymore. It's weakness like Yoda states. And then I cut myself. Yes, ladies and gentlemen I am a loser. I really got into it too. My arm is stinging right now. It feels good. It's like proof that I really am not worth anything.

Part of Bad Santa is playing in my head "Because I'm a dipshit loser?" What the fuck. I really AM that.

The anger hasn't gone away. The anger has multiplied. It's eating away at my insides and I don't know what to do with it. I've never felt this angry in my entire life. I guess it's a culmination of everything but it seems to stem off of work. I have a coworker, who I shall refer to as Manhands that for the life of me I just can't swallow all of her bullshit. Every day it gets worse, and every day I get pushed a little more over the edge. I haven't exploded yet because I just don't want to cause a problem and then have to sit there day after day and feel that awkward tension.

But it's just completely unfair that I have to be fucking miserable because this bitch can't keep her mouth shut. The person before me, one of the main reasons he left is because of her. I don't want to be driven out of my office because she's completely obnoxious. I like where I work. I'm comfortable. And for the first time in my life I go somewhere every day and people don't make fun of me. Sure, people might talk shit about me but they're not patronizing me to my face. I'm not used to not being teased. My whole life was spent absorbing insults, it just feels so good for once not to have that. So I grew comfortable and attached and it's not fair for me to leave my comfort zone because of one person.

It's sort of funny because I wanted so badly to be on this team when I started at this office. And I finally got it! I couldn't believe it. Seriously, I thought I was dreaming and was going to wake up. And now I'm miserable. But there's no other team for me to go on.

I almost cut yesterday. I hid out in the bathroom because I just didn't want to be at my desk and I didn't know where else to go. I can only smoke so many cigarettes. And I wanted SO SO badly to do it. I was staring at my arm, and my scars (they're faint but I can see them) and I wanted to do it. But that would be letting this bitch win, and that just isn't happening. Fuck her. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK HER.

Don't be a perv, I'm talking about an explosion of anger. Lately, everything is getting me angry. Some things that normally wouldn't phase me, are driving me absolutely batty. I have a bad temper to begin with, and what happens is I'll hold in the anger, keep letting it build up and as soon as something brings it to a boiling point I let out all this venom about EVERYTHING that I've been angry about since the beginning. I do this mainly with friends. But my job.. is getting close to that. I almost snapped last night when Steve said that he was going to the meeting on Tuesday. So then I had to go over to Yoda all flustered because I seriously thought I was going to lose it. Before that happened, before we got the email with the documents we were discussing blow job techniques. Steve and Leo were giving me tips. The my mood changes automatically when it comes to work.

I've ready unstable emotionally because of all the anger, Steve doesn't really know what to expect because things can change in a second. Now I don't know if that's good because it keeps him guessing, or it's bad because it makes me look unstable. I want people to fear me though. Fear is a form of power. There won't be fear until I officially explode and start telling people the fuck off. But I can't do that until I have the ability to get away with it. Too many complications to this power trip.

It's funny, I guess Steve senses that I'm not really playing on the same team as him.. I don't remember what I was doing, but it had to do with a file and he wanted me to call back to ask a question I thought was pretty obvious, but he wanted me to call just to be sure or whatever. I can't even remember now. But all of a sudden he just said to me "Why are you ALWAYS against me?!" It's not so much I'm against him, but I'm just not going to play by his rules because I have my own agenda. I'm not a good team player. I don't take authority well either. I don't view him as having any more power over me. He's just Steve.

This Kate Spade thing is going to blow up though, I can tell. Because I'm not going to give up the files, I absolutely will not. And then he's going to get mad because I'm not being a team player. But this account still needs special attention, no matter if the "wicked witch" is gone (I liked her). I'm calling up the new girl first thing Monday morning, introducing myself and getting the information I need for the newest shipment. This is going to cause a war. I'm not losing.

Apparently, I don't have enough experience to leave yet. I thought that might be an issue, but I was hoping it wouldn't be. It's like I'm strangely relieved yet disappointed at the same time. I absolutely need more money. But the thought of leaving was killing me. I was crying myself to sleep every night. I guess it's hard to truly explain how attached I am to my company, and some of the people there. I've never fit in anywhere before, I've always been the outcast. And since I came to the company, I never really felt like one. Not until recently when Yoda confirmed what I thought.. that not too many people like me. Oh well. I guess my personality just rubs people the wrong way. Don't know how Yoda has the patience to deal with it. Or Steve. Poor guy has to deal with me like 8 hours a day. When I get cranky, when I get annoyingly talkative and he's trying to do something and I just keep yapping away. I'm sure he loves that. But there's still a weird bond. Like yesterday I said about buying a box of those cheap ice pops to put in our freezer and then I thought to myself.. But maybe I won't be here. And then I felt sad.

I've lost so many people in my life, and I don't think I'm ready to lose these people yet. I think I would feel more comfortable if I went to a place where one of my old coworkers might already be, or where Yoda knows someone. I don't know why it would feel better, but it wouldn't feel like I was going full out on my own. I've always been on my own, I don't want to again.

There's all this stuff going on in my head and I just don't know what to follow. But either way, I have to stay right now because nobody is going to hire me with this amount of experience. I'll keep looking, keep sending out resumes. This is a pain in the ass.

Well, maybe not at this moment but I know that goodbye to my current job will be coming soon. And honestly, it kills me to do it. It's not that I WANT to leave because I'm miserable, or anything. I need to leave. I cannot live on this salary, and I will never get as much as I thought. I'm so disappointed because when I wanted to be promoted I thought you know.. this is so great. I can get promoted, and then get more money and all that good stuff. And all they did was take advantage of me. It's okay though, because I'll have taken the most advantage of them when time was spent teaching me this business, and then I'm gone.

The only thing holding me back is my friends. More specifically, Yoda. Of course Lauren, and Steve too but it's mainly Yoda. Because for some strange STRANGE reason Yoda became my unlikely support. He became someone who I actually listened to, and took advice from. He's a big reason of why I am as determined as I am today. He got me these opportunities, because he pushed me. The only father figure I ever had in my life was my Uncle, and then he passed away and I just didn't have a male figure to look up to. I guess I just accepted it and began to like older men but I still craved a male figure to turn to. And Yoda became that. Leaving my job is leaving him. You have no idea how painful that thought is, my chest actually hurts right now. The only thing is.. I can't let it hold me back. That would NOT be what he would want. He taught me to stand up for myself. Staying in a dead end no raise job just to still be around him is not what he wanted me to do with the knowledge he gave me.

I know that I could still call, and I will. Not all the time or anything, but I can still keep in touch. Annoy him early in the morning. But how likely is it that I'll see him again? I won't be able to see the stupid things he does, or how he plays with peoples heads, or just him randomly staring out the window with his dress work clothes on. It's funny, you see him staring out the window with his shoulders all squared and.. I wonder what he's thinking. He seems so strong and stubborn, yet kind of like the weight of the world is on his shoulders.

I won't be able to just quickly dial his extention when something happens and I don't know what to do. And.. I won't have someone looking out for me. Thinking about life without Yoda is honestly terrifying. I have to do it, and I will do it. It'll break my heart, but.. hearts heal. And I have to do this for myself.

I absolutely adore quotes that ring true to my opinions or how I feel. Here are some.

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself." - Breakfast at Tiffanys

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? ~ George Carlin

"Hey, you know what's scarier than not believing in God? Believing in him. I mean, really believing in him. It's a fucking terrifying thought because if there is a God, he hates me." - Frankie, Stigmata.

Sebastian: You AMAZE me.
Kathryn: Eat me, Sebastian. It's okay for guys like you and Court to fuck everyone but when I do it, I get dumped for innocent little twits like Cecile. God forbid I exude confidence and enjoy sex. Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 so I can be considered a lady? I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr. Freud. Now tell me are you in, or are you out? - Cruel Intentions (One of my favorite movies, EVER.)

Sometimes you need to forget what you feel, and remember what you deserve. - Unknown

We are all a little weird and life is a little weird. In addition, when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love, true love.

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have someplace where you put your @#%$, that idea of home is gone... you'll see one day when you move out. It just sort of happens one day and it's gone; it's like you can never get it back; it's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. -Garden State

I sort of regret saying something to Yoda on Friday. But I had been reading my Power book and just finished the chapter about never trusting anyone, let alone friends. Especially because friends know exactly where to hurt you. And I started wondering.. Can I truly trust him? Part of me believes I can. He's never done anything to prove that I can't. And if I can't, it's too late now. He knows everything about me. On Friday though, I was really confused by it and I started wondering if it came down to my ass or his, would he protect me or himself? I know that if I came down to that, I would try to protect him over myself because that's just the way I am. I always try to protect the people I care about.

Saying that to him though, I realize now was really ungrateful. He has helped me plenty (COUNTLESS) times. And in work I think he knows if he made a large mistake he wouldn't get penalized for it, but if I made a large mistake my job would be on the line. I believe that he would choose according to that. I do believe he would help me. But I still have a little doubt, honestly because I can't put all of my trust in one person. I can't think that one day he won't just turn on me because no matter what there's always a chance. There's a possibility for everyone to turn on you. That's why you can't give them anymore amo then necessary. That's one of my huge mistakes with people. I tell them too much. I give them power over me.

There was another chapter I was reading, it was about choosing your allies intelligently and gave a story about how this man could have choosen to ally himself with someone powerful, that shared his views but instead he allied with someone that was weak and that could bend easily to what he wanted. And so he ran the show behind the weak man and brought him into power. And when that weak man was brought into power, he brought the one that had choosen him along.

And now I wonder.. is that why Yoda is helping me. Because if I grow strong and work my way up he will then have a powerful ally. The more people he has on his team, the more powerful he then becomes. Am I a marionette for him? What are his fucking intentions and why help ME of all people? That's where my doubt comes from. I'm just a young stupid girl in a lot of peoples eyes, and he could have cast that same judgement and kept on walking. Here's the big question.. Did he see something else that most people don't take the time to notice, that I'm not just a stupid girl? OR is he counting on the fact that I'm still stupid to a degree and using that to his advantage? But again, what does he get from that too?

This is why I can't read these types of books because they really screw with my head and make me doubt everyone around me even if I don't have reason to. But he's a special case because he admits to playing with peoples heads and doing it to give him power. BUT because he admits it to me does not mean I cannot be included in. I'm confused. I'm going to question him tomorrow.

Seduction is one of my favorite topics. I can pretty much talk about this nonstop and still be left with things to say. Albeit, in person I start to lose my train of thought and it all goes to shit but if you get me started with it in writing, I can go on forever.

I firmly believe in the power to seduce the mind. And I also believe that with women, it is essential before actually seducing physically. My mind is one of my most powerful tools, I might not act like it most of the time but I actually posess intelligent thoughts. I dumbed myself down over time because no one seemed to understand me when I tried to actually maintain my brains instead of letting them rot away. Most people aren't very enthralled with intelligence. They're not big on thoughts, and if they are it's usually about thoughts that I just don't deem important. Over my lifetime I learned that in order to gain the likeness of people I had to reform into basically a simple minded girl. Now I realize that all I did was give people the power. But I'm not sure how to build back up again.

Anyway, since I seem so simple minded most men don't think they have to take the time to seduce my mind before trying to seduce me. And I let them get away with it. I deserve more than this. I crave more than this. I want mental stimulation. I REQUIRE it. Otherwise my mind is going to go to hell and I'll be one of those weird childish women that are in their 40's but still try and pull off the cute innocent thing. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the intelligent business woman that clawed her way to the top.

There is something very sexy about climbing the corporate ladder. I don't know why. I think just the thought of power turns me on. The thought of fucking with everyones head.

Must work.. to be continued..

This will be one of the strangest things I have ever said. I was in the deli this morning getting breakfast and I saw this woman in there, and she was the total typical soccer mom. She was wearing black straight leg jeans from the early 90's, a pink shirt tucked in and some Tommy Hilfiger sandals. It's not that she looked completely frumpy, she just didn't look like she was up on the times, or had the actual time to care about what she looked like. And for a very brief but powerful moment.. I wanted to be that soccer mom. I don't know where it came from. But this urge to have a husband and family just came rolling over me. I know it comes with all the stress of responsibilities, but I guess it would mean I'd have a family.

I guess I don't dread that time coming as much as I used to think. I kind of think of myself as being young forever, but one day.. that will be me (hopefully). And maybe then I'll look at a girl in her twenties and wish feverishly that I was her. But until then.. Still yearning for something I don't have.

I love Madonna, because I love these lyrics. I love these lyrics because I understand them. Although, she sings them from the point of being a mistress. I want the domination. I want to be helpless. I want to be punished. Because the punishment is just as good as reward. The pain is pleasure. A lot of people like to throw around the word kinky, and play around with some handcuffs and whips and say that they have a fetish. But there aren't a lot of people out there that know how to mind fuck. Domination is intellectual, before it's physical. You have to capture someones mind, before their body. It's just how it works. I wish I could find someone that truly understands this concept, and appreciates the integrity of it. And can totally master it, without me needing to give instructions. I need to find someone with a dark side, as dark as mine. I don't show the full extent of mine a lot because I'm scared of it frightening men. I don't want to just be controlled, I want to be consumed. Absolutely nothing can excite me as much as this.

Only the one that hurts you can make you feel better
Only the one that inflicts pain can take it away

If I take you from behind
Push myself into your mind
When you least expect it
Will you try and reject it
If I'm in charge and I treat you like a child
Will you let yourself go wild
Let my mouth go where it wants to

Give it up, do as I say
Give it up and let me have my way
I'll give you love, I'll hit you like a truck
I'll give you love, I'll teach you how to ...

Once you put your hand in the flame
You can never be the same
There's a certain satisfaction
In a little bit of pain
I can see you understand
I can tell that you're the same
If you're afraid, well rise above
I only hurt the ones I love

I don't think you know what pain is
I don't think you've gone that way
I could bring you so much pleasure
I'll come to you when you say
I know you want me
I'm not gonna hurt you
I'm not gonna hurt you, just close your eyes

Erotic, erotic
Put your hands all over my body
All over me, all over me

I was in the shower this morning when I started thinking, all this time.. all these random sexual acts with men, I've been selling myself short. It's not that I haven't enjoyed some of the things I've done, but that's what draws you into doing it.. the temptation. But most of these men barely knew me. And I barely knew them. I've been selling myself short because I never believed I was good enough for anything more than being a good time girl. I never believed that there's anyone out there that would want to get to know me, my thoughts, my dreams, my secret demons, and my weird sense of humor. That would actually want to spend time with ME. Not any of my alterego's, just plain me.

It's not fair to myself to continually sell myself short. To continually believe that I'm not just as good as everyone else. I get myself into bad situations because of it. I don't know how to have normal relationships with people, because I'm always in constant fear that they'll realize how not good enough I am, that they'll see through this little facade I have going on of this perky happy girl that has confidence in herself, loves being around people, etc. I'm scared once people know that I'm not like that all the time, it's over.

But I am just as good as everyone else out there.

The only thing is, there's two parts of my personality fighting right now. I was just on hold with AOL and this song started playing and the lyrics were "Leave me along, I'm a family man and my bark is a lot worse than my bite. Leave me alone, I'm a family man and if you push me too far I just might.." and that kind of stuff just gets my blood pumping. It's naughty. It's wrong, it's against all the rules that people have set up. And I LIKE breaking them. I like the fact that I've chosen to do things that most women wouldn't, because I wanted to and I didn't care about the RULES. I've always lived by the rules and it never got me anywhere. Not saying breaking this particular rule got me anywhere, but I enjoyed breaking it.

So where does the not feeling good enough end and the wanting to break the rules begin? And is there really an ending and a beginning or are they mixed in with eachother somehow? I guess I liked the fact that I was GOOD enough to break the rule with. And why is my self worth so intertwined with my sexuality?

Shortly before I began dating the psychoatic ex, I was dieting and excersizing but I was pushing it too far. I was going too far to the extreme and treating my body badly. But there was something that Yoda had said to me that really stuck in my head and I couldn't get it to go away. And anytime I went to eat, or I went to the gym it just came back to me and replayed. I don't exactly know what he was trying to say, I don't think he was particularly trying to insult me because if he was he could have been more vicious and I don't remember it being said in his angry/trying to hurt tone. But it was something about how most men don't like being seen with a big girl, they won't bring her around their friends because they're embarrassed, or that they'll do a big girl but they won't date her. And at that time when he had said that I was just beginning to see the ex. I'm not even sure he had even come over yet. But after he said that it was like something in my mind snapped. I believed it, but I had to prove him wrong. So there was psycho liar boy. Perfect opportunity to prove that Yoda was for the first time ever W-R-O-N-G. It would have been the ultimate sucess. However, that completely backfired and all I have to blame is myself.

Here I am again though. I'm back in that little funk again where I feel like nobody finds me desirable. I go back into that little untouchable shell. I don't know where I was going with this. I lost my train of thought. Whatever.

I'm just a tad bit frustrated right now. I admit, I'm not a great fish owner. I don't remember to feed my own fish sometimes, and I barely ever clean the tank. But today, I was attempting to actually do it MYSELF which I haven't done in.. I don't know, since December. The one thing I cannot do is remove the fish from the tank. I cannot put the poor little helpless thing in a net and fling him into some water. What if I hurt him? What if he gets stuck? What if I KILL him?!

And is there really a need to put up the attitude when I ask for some assistance? If you don't want to do it, just say.. "No. I'm busy right now.", not do the whole eye roll, scowl of the almighty Oz front. I know that it's fake and it's just fucking aggrivating. I guess that's the whole point of it though. I know I'm not one to talk, but go right aheeaaad. Make me angry, and hate you. That lasts maybe.. an hour. It doesn't WORK.

GAH!!

I feel like I'm not really here. Wherever I am. It's hard to explain, but I feel like nobody ever notices me. I feel like wherever I go, people look past me instead of at me. I'm invisible. And I know it sounds strange to say that since I get a lot of attention mainly. I never feel like it's good enough though. And the thing that people pay attention to, is the qualities of the person I'm really not.

I don't want anyone to see my cuts. But the other day I accidentally wore a shirt where they were kind of visible. And nobody noticed. So then I kept wearing quarter sleeve shirts, and.. nobody at all has noticed. So nobody notices that I'm falling apart. Nobody notices that I'm not happy. I don't want everyone to see the cuts, because I don't want them to see that I'm weak. But it just proves that even though I receive attention, nobody is REALLY paying attention.

There's one term that I make a lot of references to.. lost little girl. And I'm twenty years old, so I've surpassed the point of being a little girl. I think I refer to it so much because just how I said I'm not really here, I'm still stuck THERE. I'm still stuck in the 9 years of constant, every day verbal abuse. I'm still stuck in that period of time where nobody what I did, or how hard I tried I was never good enough. I wanted so badly to be accepted. I remember a time where I was about 12 and I had this online boyfriend but I told the popular girls that he lived in HB, and they were now all of a sudden interested in my life. And the whole 'relationship' I had with the guy. And I lied and said we had kissed, etc. And then I couldn't keep up with the lies anymore, so I admitted it. I made myself look even worse, because I just wanted to fit in. I wanted these popular kids to pull me in under their wing. And that did happen, for a few days. They even wanted me to sit with them at lunch. And as soon as I said the truth.. I remember we were down in the basement in chorus practice, they all got up and sat on a different side and I was left all alone. There were three sets of bleachers, all the other kids would take up the two and there'd be no room for me so I was always on the other set that was off to the side by myself.

Or at lunch time, nobody wanted to sit with me and I wasn't allowed to not be in the lunch room so I had to sit there all by myself. The ONLY person in the entire lunch room at a big long table all by herself. I never ate though. But they'd throw food at me, or yell things. You think the teachers didn't see? Of course they did. They just turned their heads. It had gotten really bad in 4th-5th grade and my mom was up at the school a lot complaining but they never DID anything. Nobody ever once stood up for me, and I was just a kid. I couldn't fix it myself.

In 8th grade, there was one kid that didn't like the sound of my voice so any time I spoke he'd flip out. And instead of the teacher telling him to shove it, she told me to be quiet. And when the sexual assault started happening, I told the guidance counseller and her response was "Boys will be boys.. We can't really do anything about it."

That's why I always feel so helpless, and so lost. I'm still stuck there. I'm still waiting for someone to stand up for me.

I think that's why I crave being loved by someone so much. And it doesn't even have to be that romantic in love thing. I just want someone to love me for who I am. For all of me, for all of my demons. Because then it might mean all those kids were wrong. It might mean I'm actually worth something to someone. And someone would be seeing me, the real me.. the little girl, and the woman I'm trying to desperately to become.

I realized something today, thanks to a conversation with Yoda. Well, I understand his actions and attitude more now and.. Now I feel really bad for some of the things I've said to him because I said them with full intent to hurt. If I felt like his attitude had been turned on, I would attack first. Because I expected him to try and hurt me and I wanted to hurt him before he could wound me. Or if he said something and I took it differently, I'd try and attack harder. And to this day if I sense the attitude coming, I prickle and I wait for a right moment when I can attack first. And I sit and I plan exactly what I could say to him that would hurt the most. He's the only one where I would actually plan what I'd say. I think it's because out of anyone, his opinion matters to me the most. So I have to be prepared to hurt him the most.

I'm always waiting for someone to attack. Not just him, anyone. I live each day waiting and waiting, because I know that it WILL happen. I just know it's coming.

Maybe I cut because the suspense is gone. I'm attacking myself. I'm punishing myself before anyone else can. It's like if someone is beating you, and you beat yourself so that when it's time for them to do it again.. It's already done. And it was under your own terms.

I'm scared of something else. One day I'll leave here. Or he'll leave. Or the company will be shut down. But one day I will have to go on without his advice. He will always be an important person, even if it is in my past but I'm always so scared of when it'll happen. When it'll be the last straw. I fear everyone leaving me.

I'm sitting here at my desk at work and I feel suffocated. I feel like something is gripping my lungs inside of me. I want to scream, I want to stomp my feet. I want to break down and let it out. And just now Yoda came over and interrupted my train of thought. Then the feeling subsides for a little while. It goes back into hiding until I'm back here, back typing in this screen. Back thinking.

There's something in me that creates this monster. I feel like the only way to alleviate the tighteness is to bleed. If I hurt, I feel. I can't breathe because I can't feel. I don't want to feel any pain except for what I allow.

It's been a week. I faught it all yesterday. My will isn't strong enough for today. Grandma, don't look at me now.

George is a friend I've had for many years. I met him at this home instruction newspaper luncheon. And while kicking his ass in air hockey, he managed to compliment me on my boobs. I was like 16 at the time. And ever since then I've pretty much wanted to do him. For a long time I actually wanted him to be my first. But then he got engaged and moved away and it never happened. I'd still do him in a second.

Me [8:49 P.M.]: You wanted to fuck me, didn't you?
Him [8:49 P.M.]: I complimented you on your breasts in the first five minutes of meeting you. It was not because I thought they were decent decoration or anything.


Yeah, after that I made him tell me what he'd do to me if he could. I like his dirty writings to me. He's done it before. So, he told me.



Him [11:23 P.M.]: Ideally, I would want you to start with your little hints. Like you used to do on th e phone, or on the mic in IMs. We'd be talking about something completely removed, and you'd just do that breathing. Little gasps and moans like you were getting fucked a little deeper every time you paused between sentences. You want an ego pat, sweetie? Those little noises get me hard. They made me horny when sex was the last thing on my mind. Call yourself untouchable all you want, but just know you can get at least one person up and fucking just by breathing.
Me [11:24 P.M.]: I really wish I could remember doing that. Did I really?
Him [11:24 P.M.]: Oh you're damn right you did.
Me [11:24 P.M.]: Oh waiiit. I kind remember.
Him[11:24 P.M.]: I miss that ;-; Okay, moving on.
Him[11:31 P.M.]: Then, well. I'm not very good at hints, I'm afraid, and I'm a little more than greedy. Groping without permission. I don't mean for that to sound all romance novel, but would permission seeking really be necessary? Plus, I'd be getting to touch the body I've only seen through pictures for god knows how many years. So forgive me if I get a bit "Mine!" I'd go through the works, of course, feel your nipple, taste it, your clit, your cunt, and I'd devote some special love to the belly button piercing of which I am still obsessed with. I do recall you liked the idea of that being chewed and sucked slowly. That sounds very good. Then, fingering. Well. And making sure to have the toothbrush handy, but that can wait a few.

I'd fuck my fingers into whatever hole I damn well please while enjoying the words that weren't exchanged earlier. I'd tell you right in person that I want to fuck you. I'd make you say it. Once, twice, as many times as needed, as many vulgar variations required until you understood; you have been desirable, have been desired, and both said wants were going to be indulged right then. I'd make you show me the toothbrush bit while telling you how much I'd enjoyed the audio show the first time. Then, when that was done, I'd take it out of you, then put it in you myself and have a little fun with that.
Me [11:33 P.M.]: Alright.. officially wet and aching. You can still do that. A few words from you and I'm horny as all god damn hell.
Him[11:41 P.M.]: Then eat you out. Well, just a bit, and while playing with the brush. Just to tease you, make you squeal, but not make you cum. That comes afterward, no matter how much you whine. In fact, if I got you whining I think that would only make me more certain that you'd absolutely not be getting one just yet. You're at your best when an orgasm is dangled just outside of your reach. I'd want to fuck you during a time like that.

No, scratch that.

I fully intend to fuck you at a time like that.

Switch out the brush for the vibrator. I'd love you stuffed. Fucking may not be complicated, but it is variable. Slow, hard, soft, fast. I'd show you nice and slow, and I'd also make it quite the point that just because I am not a big, tall demon that lives in a stone house does not mean I cannot pound you so hard you should be afraid of your neighbors calling emergency numbers in worry. I may be scrawny dear, but I do know many things. A good few of those things are what makes you melt.

And once I was done and we were panting and heaving, I'd get you off. Even if you'd done before by accident, slipping through my strictness, you'd do so again, and I'd listen to you moan. This time, not a borough away, or a state away, but the distance of those little, tiny breaths that started the whole thing in the first place.



I heart that boy. For YEARS he's been able to get me crazy. I haven't spoken to him in a whiile though. I don't really know why either. And yet I can still make him talk dirty to me like nothing has changed. If he still lived in NY, I'd be ALL over that. Taken, or not taken.

I want to have a crush right now so badly. You know that fluttery, excited feeling you get whenever you see the person, or when you think that there's actually a chance that the feeling is mutual.. It's like you're flying high. It feels like I haven't had that in so long. Last time I remember having that excited, can't-wait-to-see-what-happens-next feeling was back last year before I knew my first was actually going to be my first. So it wasn't really a crush, more of the just wanting to get some excitement but still. I mean, the way I went about it was just retarded but at the time it was just FUN. I knew that I wanted something to happen, I just didn't know HOW to go about it. And still the thought of it happening made me really nervous. So what did I do? I said I gave up masturbation for Lent. Yes, ladies and gentlemen.. I am mentally challenged. But it served it's purpose. I knew eventually that was going to come the time when he finally said "You know, I can help you with that." And then he actually said it. And the crazy butterfly excitement went even higher. I remember how I felt so vividly. Actually, at first I didn't think I was going to go all the way. Once again, I'm an idiot. I don't know why I assumed an older experienced man would be down for "everything but sex". Of course he knew he was going to get it.

It's funny how much a year could change your view on things. I remember exactly what the atmosphere of the room felt like. There were no lights on, but enough from the windows. And how scared out of my mind I truly was. Being alone in a room with him had me so high strung that any step foward he took towards me had me shaking in my shoes. But my view of him has 180'd, so remembering how scared I was seems so silly. But I didn't KNOW this man. And I sure as hell did not know what I was doing. I think I literally gulped when he pulled out a bright pink dildo. Now, was this planned to scare the crap out of me or what? You know I don't really remember kissing him either. I think that's because it only happened once. It just seemed too personal, crossed the line somehow. That's why I never tried to do it again. Like Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts says she never kisses on the lips because it's too personal.

I look back at my reactions and roll my eyes, embarrassed for myself. And I wonder exactly what he was thinking at the time. Did he think "Oh god, what the hell have I gotten myself into?" I just want to go into his mind as everything was going on, and see what he really thought. Although, I think I might never speak to him again if I knew EXACTLY what he thought.

Anyway, enough of that. That is done and over with. There is no going back. And there's no continuing. Besides, I'm not scared of him anymore sexually so maybe the excitement would be gone anyway. I just want to feel like that again. Minus the scared little girl. I want to LIKE someone. I want to flirt. I want first kisses. The daydreaming about the unknown. One of my friends at work is completely boy crazy, she cannot be without a man or at least the promise of a man and I remember being like that, talking to all these guys online just to feel like I might possibly have something. She's 25, and she's still like that. Why did I outgrow it so quickly? It used to be fun. Now I'm just a big ol' dud. I don't actively seek that out anymore.

Why not?

I had another journal two years ago, over two years ago actually. It was back when I was 18, and my grandmother was dying with the cancer. And I was reading it and it just weirded me out. I was stronger then, than I am now. I seemed to have more insight into myself too.

Here's something from Febuary 2004. And I swear, "the old guy" isn't Yoda. At first that totally freaked me out because I genuinely thought I was talking about him. Then I remembered I didn't know him then. The 'Old Guy' I'm refering to is a 34 year old guy I had met on the internet and thought about having sex with.


It is true though, I am attached to the old guy. No matter how much I try to remain mostly stone hearted, I'm really not. I feel everything I don't want to feel. I wear my heart on my sleeve even though if you asked me I'd vehemently deny it. Sometimes I feel as though I'm 30 years old and I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. And then there's those other days where I feel like a lost little girl. Most of the time I feel like both of those combined. I've said it before, I'm damaged goods. And I honestly mean it, I come with a shitload of baggage and I KNOW that's so unattractive. Men don't like to deal with issues. They want everything to be swift, clean and easy. No attachments, just a fulfillment of primal needs.

My emotions aren't clean or easy. I've got a large entanglement of confusing cob webs up in my mind and I don't share them with people. I don't like to burden people with telling them what I really feel.

What do I feel right now? Like beating the shit out of something until my knuckles are raw. But I'm too tired, I'm emotionally drained I can't take much more. I feel like there's this string dangling and a cat is clawing away threads of it. That string is my sanity and that nice little kitty is getting really close to totally dismantling it.

I want to cry for all the times that I haven't, for all the pain that I've felt. For the shit that people have put me through, for the things I've done to myself. For every single thing that has gone wrong in my existance. I normally deal .. okay with all that mental luggage, but with my grandma in the hospital and was near death it really came back. It brought back my faith and anger in god. And it brought back that wave of pain for every person that has died and left me. My dad, my uncle, my great grandma, my poppop. I don't really remember my great grand parents too much, I do remember some things and others I've heard. They loved me so much. I wonder if it's a crime to care about me and God someone strikes down on those people that do.

I think about all the kids that tortured me, the teasing.. the whole trying to kill me thing, the sexual assault. They tore down my self confidence and I'm fighting SO HARD to get it back. It's not an easy journey.

I want to cry for all the pain I went through with my leg, for all the normal teenage years I missed. I want to cry for all those years of my childhood that I thought I had to grow up, and I did. And now all I want to do is grow down.

And yet part of me wants to raise middle finger in the air and say "Fuck you life, I made it through and I keep on truckin'."

I can make it through almost anything.



If that was two years ago, why is it now I can't take that stance? Give life the middle finger? And then there's another one from June of 2004, this was actually written a few days before my grandmother passed.



I'm strange, no really.. I am. It just amazes and amuses me on how weird and different I act when I'm around people. I'm not complaining, I'm not going to go on a self pitying wallow spree because it's not like I'm unhappy, I just feel.. so.. unbalanced. It's like teetering on this edge but it's between two extremes. One is my false bravatto, my alterego.. my crazy hyperactive down right almost ADD ridden Jen. It's not that that ISN'T me at all. Because it is. But it's just all of that part of my personality shoved foward. When you act that way, it tends to scare people. It wards them off. Nobody gets close.

I realized I'm very introverted, for some reason I didn't think I was. But I just don't feel comfortable exposing myself to people. Sure, I'll talk about my grandmothers illness, just to get some of that frustration off my chest but I don't talk about how it scares the shit out of me. How much it hurts to see one of the main stable people in your life since you were born slowly deteriorate until they're no longer on this earth. I'd like to cry, but I can't. My job is being the strong one. I have to hold everything up, otherwise the fondation would get too shakey.

I'd like to allow people to get close to me. I'd like to have a relationship that includes actual feelings. But part of me is so deathly terrified I don't know if I could allow it to happen.

There's this big part of me that's screaming, it's this monster in my chest that beats on my ribcage. It tells me to run away, that THAT is the only opportunity I can take right now. That running from reality will make it stop.

If I pretend that there's nothing wrong, there isn't. Imagination is a powerful thing. Too bad I'm blinding myself with it.

I don't understand how I could have more insight into myself at 18 years old, than I do at 20. I'm supposed to have grown these past two years, but I guess I've just been backtracking instead of moving foward. It seems like a lot of stuff has gone on in the past two years, but it hasn't been as earth shattering as the previous things that have gone on, and I didn't break from those things. Why now? I don't understand.

There were a lot more entries in the old journal and back then I was SO curious about sex, and relationships with men.. I kind of feel like it was a dud. I wanted so badly to know what sex was like. I was obsessed with being a virgin though. And.. not being a virgin isn't much different then being one. Sex wasn't THAT big of a deal. Sure, it's good. But it's not completely life altering, unless of course you get a side affect of it. But the actual act.. yeah, it was stupid to obsess about. Yet even now I still obsess about wanting it. I still look at men as future fucks rather than humans, but its not the inquistive/innocent view anymore. It's just the plain and simple truth that I just want to fuck.

Especially after the psychoatic ex, I'm not really into looking for someone to be with. Just sex.. is fine with me. And yes, I still want someone to care. But there's a difference between wanting someone to care about you, and show affection and have lots of sex then there is wanting to be IN LOVE with someone and do that whole relationship thing. I don't want to be IN love with someone. I don't want the commitment and I don't want that whole bag of worms that can come along with it. You can care, and still be casual.

What I would really like is a single man, preferably one that has to wear suits to work because that is just fucking HOT.. That just wants to have sex all the time. And when I mean all the time, I don't mean 3 times and then gets cold feet because people might be talking. I want to get down and dirty as many times as possible. A guy that has his own apartment would be good too. Then I could prance around in my undies and bake brownies afterwards.

You know, there's this woman at work that everyone thinks is a whore because it's likely that she fucks or sucks a lot of rich men regardless of a wedding ring, just to get things. Jewelry, money, etc. And sometimes I look at her and I'm jealous because she's getting sex and materialistic possessions. I want a damn sugar daddy. But I'm not a hot asian woman with no ass. Not saying I'm an ogre or anything but I can't compete with asian. What the hell is it with men and the asian thing? Hmm.

It's not a word I so normally welcome. I prefer things to be easy, well.. maybe not very easy but I like knowing I can actually accomplish that. Small challenges work best with me, instead of huge monstrous ones I just run away from. I know it seems rather strange that this came up, but I started thinking about something that had happened today after I came home.

Yoda basically threw a call from one of the customers that I don't normally deal with, at me and said "Be professional!". Yeah, he's like that. It was an account handled by my team, but not something I normally did because well.. I hadn't really been taught how to yet. So there was my challenge, staring me in the face. Especially since this was one of those picky customers that if you don't jump when they ask, a complaint goes right to the VP. I could have said that my supervisor wasn't in yet, but I'd alert him as soon as he came in. I could have very well done that. But I didn't! I actually took care of ALL of it before my supervisor even came in. That shipment, and another one! And then later in the day he was actually calling for me instead. Good thing I absorb things I don't intend to. I was just basically going on memory by things that I had seen done with the account in the past. That felt SO good. Nobody really noticed or cared but still, felt good.

And now I'm finally starting to learn something I've been DYING to learn. And honestly, it's not that I didn't want to learn it but one of the big reasons why I'm so adamant on learning is so I can take an account away from someone that just annoys the crap out of me. These are all small challenges to me. I can that I can accomplish them with enough time and energy. So I don't back away from them.

There's the bigger challenges though.. Like college that I just detest. I can complete one class at a time. But if I start adding on too many, I become overwhelmed and uninterested, then give up. So my new theory is this.. Go REALLY slow. I'm taking one class next month, and hopefully two in the fall. If I can't handle two very well, I'll go back down to one.

And on to the update about the cutting. I haven't done it in two/three days, last time was the light bulb incident. I feel okay right now, without doing it. The only thing is today I didn't realize it and I wore a shirt that the sleeves weren't as long as I thought and you could see some of the cuts. Nobody noticed, but it was shitty having to worry about it. And then on the car ride home today I was stuck in traffic so I started picking at some of the scabs. And that hurt. And it felt good. The urge to cut came back big time. I didn't give in. I did finally remember what made me stop last time though. The cancer scare. I was going to doctors a lot, and I was embarrassed about the scars. So I just stopped.

I'm still lonely. I still want a dad. Oh yeah, and I still want sex. So I guess not all that much has changed.

Yes, today was therapy day. I gave in and made an appointment yesterday after I freaked myself out with seeing all the blood. I'm not exactly sure what I think right now. I know I can't stop going like I've done several times. But I believe I'm okay, and then I just stop. All the feelings always come back though.

I didn't cut today. But I think the only reason is because I'm sick and I don't feel good so I'm not really thinking about anything. I keep pulling up my sleeve to look at my handiwork on my arm though and it's healing too quickly. There has to be enough marks, but not too many. I know what is just right. I want to bleed like I did yesterday.

I'm trying though.. I'm trying.

I just went in the ladies room at work, stomped on a small lightbulb that was in my desk drawer and used the shards to cut. Then I couldn't stop the bleeding though and had to run back to my desk for a bandaid because it was really bad. I was scared it was going to like run down my wrist and onto my hand when I was going back to my desk. Good thing I'm wearing black.

I need to stop. I don't know how.

Loving Fleetwood Mac right now. But there's something very serious about that line that gets to me. I really wish I could be washed clean of all of these emotions. The self doubt, the worthlessness, the cynicism. I want the urges to hurt myself to go away. I would just like to wash clean my slate. I guess that's why I feel like I want to run away all the time. It's not that I want to cease existing. I just wish I could just go back and fix all the stuff that's gone wrong in my life. But my life sort of feels like one big wrong.

I am one big red x. One big wrong. A failure. Everything I've ever tried at I never did good enough, or just plain quit. I'm on this constant never ending path to perfection, it's like I'm running and runningI feel like for a moment I can get really close I can see a little glimmer at the end of the blackness and then it's gone. I'm stuck in the dark by myself. Nobody sees my darkness but me. I'm stuck in this room full of people all the time at work, but they're all caught up in their own lives, their own problems. That's perfectly understandable, I don't expect people that don't really know me to try and reach out to help me. But no one even knows that every day I'm getting closer to insanity, to breaking down.

My arm is pretty bad right now. I tried promising myself that it wouldn't get as bad as it was a few months ago. That didn't work. The only thing that's different is that I cut all of the bottom of my forearm, and not much near my wrist so I can still wear quarter sleeve shirts. How am I going to stop? I don't know how. I don't remember how the moment came last time that really made me want to stop. I remember I handed over my weapon of choice to Yoda, to feel like I was able to give up some sort of control. I didn't stop right after that though. However, I was going to therapy.

I'm thinking maybe I should go back. But that's the pattern. I go for a little while, then I feel better and I stop going. The problems come back though. I can be okay for a few months, then I fall back into the black hole.

The one thing I really hate is when it gets to the point of when I frighten myself. I'm so scared of myself right now. I don't know what to do, who to talk to, who's going to turn on me. I'm paranoid every second especially because of the threat I received from psycho ex.

I want to cut right now. But it's pretty bad, I don't want to add any more marks. Maybe I'll move back to my leg for a little bit, I can usually get blood from there. I like seeing the blood.

And usually in wild revolt against herself. - Oscar Wilde. That's my favorite quote.

And on to the good stuff, I heard my mother on the phone this morning with her boyfriend and I didn't get most of the conversation but I heard the key piece like "I've just been through so much.." That is her ongoing excuse for everything. That's her excuse for why she completey changed into a different person. That's her excuse for why she's gone completely neurotic. That's even been her excuse for why she was too tired to do laundry. And today, we were sitting eating breakfast and out of the blue she asked me.. "Do you hate me? Like deep down inside do you just hate me?" my first reaction was just to.. blink. I couldn't believe that actually came out of her mouth. That was a new low. I managed to bring up the "I've been through so much" excuse, and how frustrating it is. I don't use that excuse. I've been through a hell of a lot in 20 years, but I don't go around crying and telling people about it. I used to, when I was say.. 14. And then she said to me "But you've changed to." and I have changed, and it has been because of what I've been through. I'm harder now, where she's concerned. At home, I don't do hugs and kisses. I don't want to get all mushy and do the "I love you" thing. I just want to be left alone. And I know that a lot of how she is she blames on me because I wasn't there for her when my grandmother died. You could even warrant some of the blame too, because I didn't console her. But she cried every day for MONTHS. What was I supposed to do? Sit there and hug her hour after hour, day after day, MONTH AFTER MONTH as she cried? I lost someone too. But somebody has to be strong and pick up the pieces. That was supposed to be her job. But instead, I got stuck with the duty. I'm the one that became hard because of it.

There's two different sides of me. There's the one that you snap your fingers and I burst into tears. There's the overly emotional one that leans on Yoda (mentor) too much. But the only reason why I becamse like that is because I was 18 years old and forced into a parental figure role to my own mother. That girl comes out at work. It's like I live two seperate lives, two different indenities. I can be free when I talk to people at work. But at home, I'm hard and emotionless.

Like yesterday, I booked the hotel for going to Disney World over my 21st birthday with a friend/coworker. And I called my mom and told her, and then said

"By the way, that day you're going to have to drive me to her house and I'll leave my luggage there while we work most of the day."

"What do you mean I have to drive you? I can't drive you."

"What do you mean you can't drive me? It's right across the street from my job, you've driven here before."

"But then I'll be driving back by myself."

"You've done that before!"

"But not when I was nervous! Why are we talking about this now? We'll figure it out when the time comes."

How fucking retarded is that? Everything is controlled by how neurotic she is. My own mother wouldn't drive me to my friends house just because she'd be "nervous". And then today came the guilt trip with the "Do you hate me?" stuff. Come the fuck on. Stand up and be your own person. Stop relying on me. Stop relying on your stupid boyfriend. Stop relying on your brothers. But that won't happen. Each and every day she falls deeper and deeper into this. Maybe I could have stopped it at some point, but I can't now. No matter what I do now, she'll never be the same. And I tell her that all the time, that not only did I lose my grandmother but I lost my mother. It doesn't fix it though. The most saddest part is that if my grandmother could see this, it would break her heart. She'd never want us to be like this. Never. And the only reason why it kills me is because I wonder if somewhere up there in heaven my grandmother is blaming herself.

Now, I don't have a big moral issue with being with married men. Most women won't do it because it's sort of going against your fellow woman. My opinion is that not everyone can remain faithful, and if your husband wants to crawl between the sheets with me, he would absolutely do it with someone else. I am not the 'wrongful' party. I'm not breaking vows. However, there are some things I require. Honesty. I am one of those people that absolutely detest being lied to. It doesn't matter what the lie was for, I can't forgive liars.

And I got caught in the biggest lie of the century. And what I find so ironic is that I might not have been opposed to seeing him if I had known he was married. Most likely I wouldn't have gone through with it, but the fact is that I thought I was dating someone. I was dating someone that repeatedly mentioned wanted to have children with me. I fell in love with an absolute mockery of a man, someone that didn't even exist. And how can he have the balls to ACTUALLY say "I've been happily married for 20 years."? I can understand wanting to fuck someone else. I think that urge is just human nature. We're monogamous creatures by choice, not by nature. But to truly deceive someone, to go into some sort a relationship with someone with full intend to lie and LITERALLY steal.. That's just evil, and very very sad.

I'm trying to block it out that it actually happened, but I can't. I wish I had never met him. Actually, I really wish I had never picked up the phone. I remember staring at it ringing, as I was driving home from work in late August. And I thought to myself.. "Do I REALLY want to pick this up?" because I knew it was probably him. I hesitated, something in my gut told me not to. But then someone else.. the loneliness said "DO IT." so I did. And now here I am.

I also wish that I would have been able to keep my big fucking mouth shut regarding my first. If I had been truly secretive about it, not saying a single word about him at all, if I had handled it better.. Maybe there would have been a chance it would have gone on longer. And I could have been having fun without being emotionally manhandled by a loser. I believe that if that whole thing had still been going on I wouldn't have given the asshole the time of day. I can deal with lonely, but mix lonely and horny and it becomes a bad combo.

Why can't I just go back to last March and rewrite all of it? I don't think I'd want to relive it again though. I'd still have my old job, I'd still be scared to fathom even the thought of having sex with anyone but myself. I just wish I could go back for a few days, change things up and see if I could change what eventually happened. Part of me sometimes wishes I had never done it, because then I wouldn't always have to be scared. I wouldn't have to hide who I was talking to. And maybe I wouldn't feel so damn bad, and jealous every time I see him talking to another woman. It's not about wanting to be with him. It's just I wish I could be openly friendly with him and not have to worry.

I just want to be Daddy's little girl. I want to feel protected. But I don't have a living breathing father, and I can't substitute someone elses for my own. That's just not how it works. And here come the tears now, because I'm actually admitting to myself for once that I've actually been seeking that the entire time. Not saying I didn't want sex. But I just wanted him to care. I wanted some sort of male authority figure to care. To look at me, to give me a fucking hug and say "It'll be okay.". I just want someone to care. It's been a while since I felt loved, I just wish I could have that feeling all the time. And yeah, part of me wishes somebody cared that I'm slicing up myself. And not in that way like trying to force me to stop just because it's not something I should do. But somebody to care about why I'm actually doing it. Why I constantly feel like a piece of fucking crap that is pushed off to the side. I'm not even good enough for him to talk to in front of people. If people know we're talking it's like a big catastrophy. Why, because I'm psycho? I understand it, but I don't.

Why couldn't I have had a strong father? Then I wouldn't have latched on to the first strong older male that came along that seemed like a dad. I found a wall in someone that SHOULDN'T be a wall. It's funny because I was so scared of when it was going to be taken away. And in some small way, it has been. Instead of emailing this to him, I'm posting it here just to get it out, but I know that he'll never see this. Nobody will see this.

I'm too old for this. To feel like a lost little kid. Whenever I leave my desk, I always look in that area to make sure he's still there. Like he's one day just going to pick up and never come back. Or if I'm around in his area, I kind of look at him really quick just to see if he's noticed me at all, or plans on acknowledging my presense. So much of my day rides on that. I try to bring over files when I notice that he's not immersed into his work, because I might have a chance of getting acknowledged then. He can either really build me up, or completely tear me apart. The amount of control he has over me is just saddening. I think he knows it though. If he's so observant about everything else, he has to be about this.

And what really upsets me is that if people were to really question him about why he talks to me, he'd basically say that I was just a weird kid that he felt bad for. It's nice to know that your wall just finds you pathetic. Is there anyone on this planet that doesn't? I'd really like to know.

wish I could answer that question. I think about it all the time, after all.. I am pretty self centered. But I can never answer it. I want so many different things, at so many different times. I have interests in everything. My problem is that I really enjoy learning, and albeit that's usually a good thing for most people, I'm too indecisive for that. My attention span is comparable with a gold fish, so I jump around from one interest to another, without completing what I initially intended. As for being self centered, nobody else is looking out for my well being. Sometimes you do have to be selfish. Maybe not as much as I am, but sometimes I just can't help it. I just don't relate to normal emotions.

For example, my manager broke his leg. So have I, and I know how much it sucks. But do I have any empathy at all for him? No, not really. The way my brain works is, I went through worse than that at 12 years old so a grown man should be able to take it. I don't know why I am so self absorbed. I never really consider other peoples feelings. Maybe it's only child syndrome. Maybe it's the Borderline disorder. Maybe I'm just genuinely fucked up. But anyway, I just don't RELATE to anyone really. When I hurt someone's feelings.. do I usually feel bad? Not really. Not unless I look back and think it was totally uncalled for. But I think the world is out to get me, so usually I don't think it was uncalled for.

My brain works like this. Either I control you, or you control me. There is no middle ground. And I have been like this since I was a child. I can remember thinking about ways to manipulate people to get what I wanted. I always played off the cute and innocent factor. Always. I think that's why it's still an issue today, at 20 years old when cute and innocent now translates to ditzy, immature. I've always known what people I could and could not wrap around my finger. And yes, most people are acutely aware of it but I always thought it was an obvious trademark in human relations.

I'm hot or cold. Everything is black or white. There is no gray in my world. And yes, I do have that ability to completely delete people out of my life if I so choose at any given moment. And no, it doesn't really hurt me. I just don't think about it. Somewhere in here, I have a heart too. That's my one weakness. It likes to go astray sometimes, or believe things that aren't good for it. It feels pain, over and over yet it still goes back to make the same mistakes. The heart believes somewhere that fairy tales do come true, and that some where there is good waiting for me. Maybe it's just naivity talking. But no matter what, I still believe in happily ever after. Do I think I'll find it? No. I believe it's out there for everyone else though.

For some reason this one memory decided to stick out in my mind while I was typing. School dances at my K-8 school. They started in 5th grade, there was only the Spring Fling at the time for the 5th graders. If you were in 6th you had another dance earlier that year, in the fall. I remember my 5th grade year I had such a crush on this boy named Sal. I didn't have many friends, and the ones I had were either spanish or indian and they could turn on you in an instant. I guess I must have told one of them about my crush on Sal, and they told someone else. Because a few weeks before the dance someone told me that Sal wanted to ask me to the dance. Oh man, I was ESTATIC. I used to lay on the couch, blasting Amber, and envisioning Sal just showing up at my house asking if I wanted to hang out. I used to do that EVERY day after school. And then the girls started nudging me to give an answer to Sal whether or not I wanted to go the dance with him. I even told my mom about it, and she said "Don't give him a direct answer right away, you don't want to seem desperate! Tell him you'll think about it."

So I went into school one day, and I started to brag that Sal had asked me to the dance. He was one of the popular cute kids, by the way. Then someone went back to Sal and he was so suprised and adamant that he DID NOT ask me to the Spring Fling. And then everyone in the class knew about it. We had a library period and I remember spending most of it pouting and looking over at Sal. And in my head at the time, I knew I should act like it didn't bother me but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Or move foward a few years, still in the same school. Still spend every single day being teased like I did since kindergarten. And then it moves on to being felt up, grabbed and dry humped by the boys who were making fun of me. It was a joke, to do that to the big girl. Because of COURSE everyone knew I wasn't wanted by anyone. I never stood up for myself though, I'd say no.. slap the hands away. But there was three of them, one of me. They tore down every shred of my self worth.

I always showed weakness. I always let them win. And here I am, cutting myself and everyone that ever tried to pull me down is still winning. Even if they can't see it. Just like the 'mentor' (I'm going to from here on out refer to him as Yoda) says.. I'm an idiot.

I did it again this morning. I can tell that this is going to spin out of control again. I was just thinking about how I want to take classes at FIT to learn the opposite side of the business I'm in, but I can't trust myself to stick to it because I never stick to anything. It's sad when you can't even trust yourself. And if I mention it to my mom she's going to shoot down the idea because I've quit school twice before and now she thinks it's a waste of money.

Now to find a long sleeve shirt to wear to work..

And so the days end is near and my arm has just acquired two more slashes. I thought I wouldn't start this crap all over again, it had been almost 4 months. I was cut free for that amount of time, and the same person who drove me towards doing it last time, came back again. I don't like when my life is in uproar, and the scales are shifting up and down and there's no stable ground. I like stability. I guess that's why I like working. Every day (except for weekends, and I feel all out of odds on the weekend) I go to work and I know where I am, and what I have to do, and who I can talk to, etc. My day is mainly mapped out for me, except for the actual work events that transpire.

HE came along, my psychoatic lying ex and he ripped the world of stability that I had created for myself, apart. The funny thing is, this wildly emotional, crying little girl is not who I used to be. Before I came to my current work place, I barely cried. I didn't even shed a tear at my grandmothers funeral. I barely cried as she was dying. I barely cried when I didn't know if I'd ever be out of a wheelchair. And I sure as hell didn't cry when I found out my dad was an addict. But I guess from so many years of feeling rejected and numb, it hit a boiling point and now I can't keep it all inside anymore. I wish I could be as numb as I used to be. Everything just used to be swept under the rug. I never dealt with a thing.

Yet here I am, Twenty years old.. I'm supposed to be past that rough road of puberty and teenage years of trying to figure out who exactly you are, but I haven't figured out anything. I don't know who I am, except for certain things. I know who I've programmed myself to be. I am the girl that always smiles. The other day I had an eyelash on my finger, and I was blowing it away and my coworker asked "Did you make a wish?" and I said "Yes, I always wish for the same thing. I wish that I could be happy." And he looked at me sort of perplexed and said "But you're always happy." and I just murmured "I just LOOK like I'm happy." It is ingrained in my human makeup that I have to make sure everyone stays happy. Nobody can be upset around me. It just doesn't work that way. It is my DUTY to be Miss Mary FUCKING Sunshine, twenty four seven. It's either that, or.. this. This sad girl who is completely lost in the world, and feels like she's being devoured by all of her demons one at a time.

Even when he left my life, I still wanted to cut after I stopped. The urges sometimes were so bad, I don't know how I managed to fight them. Then the last straw came, and I broke. I'm not doing it as badly as I did back a few months ago. And I only try and do it if I have a REALLY good reason. It's been three times so far, in the past three days. It used to be multiple times a day. The first time, was because he came back into my life and it's scaring the crap out of me that I don't have control. The second time, was because a friend although not with malicious intent decided to lay out on the table all of my faults, and I mean.. anytime someone does that it hurts, but when someone you feel close to does it, it packs a different whollop because you believe that they accept you as who you are. I should learn by now that I will never be accepted for who I am. Because who I am is somebody that's never good enough. And I wondered yesterday, about this friend, my "mentor" and I couldn't fathom if there's all these things wrong with me.. why does he still bother to speak to me? I'm just a burden. There was nothing good about me left after I was dissected. What are my saving graces? Am I just some sort of pet project to try and save because there's poor pathetic people in the world and maybe he can save some of them?

I felt like a failure of a person, so I stuck a thumbtack into the wrist brace I was wearing and went into the bathroom and cut my arm. Not a lot, enough to leave marks that scabbed up and enough to give that sting. That sting is so satisfying, that's why it's hard to stop. Especially, if I take one of the antibacterial wipes I have for my desk, and put it on right after I've cut. I used to do that when I was the receptionist and nobody spied on me. I can't do that now.

I didn't do it at all today, I thought I was going to get through the day without doing it. And then I had an argument with my mother, and she got me so unbelievably frustrated that there I went again.. bobby pin. Here's the problem, I'm masochistic to begin with. I enjoy some pain. So mix the fact that cutting feels good, with the fact that it realizes that build up of pressure in my chest, it's an even harder habit to break. I like the way cutting feels. I also like that.. I'm in all this emotional turmoil.. But nobody sees it. Except for once in a while when I cry or whatever at work. But nobody (except the mentor mentioned above) really knows how much emotional pain I am in, day after day. And when the cuts are on the outside.. Now you can see it. But, I don't let anyone see the cuts. I CAN'T let anyone see the cuts. Because it's a disgrace to who I am. It's actual legitimate proof that I am now a weak person. I am not strong like I used to be. It's such a paradox. I want people to see I'm in pain, but I don't want them to see the weakness.

I don't know. I don't get it either. My world turned upside down when my grandmother died, and I guess my brain did too. But I don't have anyone to truly love me anymore. Of course my mother does, but she's always involved in her pain, and what happened to her, and how much SHE misses her mother. I lost my grandmother and mother in one shot. My grandmother was ALWAYS the strong one. And no matter what I did, she still loved me. I could go to her with my problems. I never had a father, so I don't know what it's like to look up to a manly super hero figure. And now I'm stuck with a shell of a woman who used to be my mother. I don't have anyone to turn to, except the mentor. But the thing is, he's not MY mentor. He's someone elses father, and husband, and son.. and I in no way belong in that equation. And I'm reminded of that all the time. But I don't have the right to look at him and see a support system. I don't belong in my equation anymore either. I'm a daughter that's been displaced. I'm a girl trying to turn into a woman, without knowing that a real true strong woman is.

I'm just a person, that doesn't belong anywhere or to anyone.